I wish there was not moment of the day that I wasn’t consumed by you. Today I stopped texting you because I know your ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’ texts were done either out of habit, politeness, or to save my feelings. Because when I would text you about my day or proclaiming how much I loved and missed your touch you often did not respond at all, or if you did it would take hours for a response claiming you were too busy to respond. I once received text from you containing: “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you…almost feels like I’m going to wake up soon from this dream”
“Good Morning Angel. Hope you slept well. Even though its raining outside, just thinking about really brightens my day! Have an amazing day!!!”
Three months later and it’s a: “Good morning have a nice day”. I have retraced my steps over and over again wondering what I have done wrong or what was so bad to make you grow so cold and distant other then love you too much. Ideally you were everything I wanted in a man I was not won over by your looks but your kindness, gentleness, and that you placed me on a pedestal. However, I should have listened to you awhile ago when you told me I was out of you league or that you could not reciprocate the amount of love I showed you, even though you tried correcting yourself meaning that it was only because you were going through a divorce at the time. The truth was you were emotionally shut down and you had no room in your heart or life for me and my children. When I opened up to you and told you my concern that there wasn’t a vacancy in your heart for me, you cried and begged for the chance to work on it. So I hesitantly gave you a second chance which turned into many chances as I slowly saw you turn your back away from me and slip away from my arms, children, family, and home. The flowers you hand delivered stopped, the notes you randomly left around the house and on my car stopped, your visits to the house ceased, the dates we made.. canceled. Only when I guilted you into seeing me, at least one day on the week end it was usually emerged with your neighbors, and/or son, never any alone time, I always had to share you. We rarely even slept together because your 9 year old shared your bed. Until one day I had enough of and figured if we were friends there would be no expectations and I could no longer be disappointed or heartbroken and you agreed. But still you held onto me if only by your breath it was enough to give me hope.
I know I should have let you go, but I thought if someone like me could prove to you that were deserving of my love then maybe just maybe my Charlie would return to me.
So even though we decided to be friends I did something I NEVER did to any other man, I followed you, and fought for you, and I loved you without conditions. My home stood empty while I came to fill your home with laughter and played with you and your son, while my children waited for their mother to return, entertained your friends while my friends hoped that this would be the week I actually we went out with them. I sacrificed all that I was, so that you could feel complete.
I opened my heart to you when you shut down, and for brief moments I saw your heart and you knew that you never dealt with you past hurts and so you carried a heavy burden, never talking about them or sharing them with anyone, my heart ached with yours, but you once again swallowed your pain and told me that is just the way you are and to except it. Charlie I did not want you to hide behind the mask of perfection for me. I know you are broken, as am I, just as every other person that walks this earth is broken and misshapen that’s what made you so beautiful and mysterious to me.
I loved you, and gave to you even when you gave nothing to me in return, and the simplistic gestures of a kiss was contrite, and making love however passionate felt empty because I you became a stranger to me. I wonder did my love mean anything to you or was it just moments of pleasures that helped you lose track or your pain? Perhaps out of kindness couldn’t let me completely go out of fear of hurting me or maybe it was fear of knowing that know another could love me better, or maybe it was something much more vain and you knew that you were my one weakness and that I could not say “no” to you so despite what label we had you knew I was always yours. For whatever the reason for hanging onto me and selfishly allowing me love you fearlessly and unconditionally, until my well ran completely dry; it has done more damage than I when I was a victim of domestic abuse. I guess because this time I was a willing participant rather then a victim. What a fool I have been! Like a famous quote says: ’the toughest part of letting go is realizing they already did”
I am the one wondering if I will awake from this dream. I feel like I am in a haze every where I look I am consumed by a memory of you. I go from hating and resenting you to loving and missing you. I pick up my phone frequently and check my spam box wondering do you even notice of my absence today, do you care, should I make myself know, should I give you more time to miss me, what would I you if you actually did text me? I feel like a lost child.
The truth is I can not bring back the amazing first month we dated and I would not have changed how I treated you because you had my best, consistently. Did I have your best? Was the first month we dated, the flowers, the gifts, the sweet letters, the promises, the texts, the way you proudly led me into a room my small of my back, your sweet kisses on the corner of my lips, the way your played with my hair when I laid in your lap, was it all a mirage to mask what I now know about you? Truth is I don’t think you would or will ever fight for me the way I have fought for you, and I am worth fighting for! Truth is by losing you, what have I really lost anyway, other then time? And a few months is only hiccup in the grand scheme of life, our memories will fade and so will my love for you.