Perfectly unaligned dance of relationships

Why is that relationships begin to fizzle out after a period of time? Perhaps it’s because the beautiful dance between words and absorbing them turns into observations to see if the words to the steps correlate to the actual dance. For instance if a couple was being taught how to ballroom dance and your guy says
Ok, I’m going to move three steps to the left so follow my lead”
But then you see that he takes three steps to the right and now you are further away and in two different directions and confused because what he said and what he did are two very different things.
W
It was weeks on the phone before I finally agreed to meeting him and the months that followed were amazing. I hung onto the words he said to me as truth until proven otherwise, but when it came time to demonstrate those truths I found out that his words and actions were very different. Now I am mad I wasted 7 months of my life hanging onto hope and half truths. When I first me Jay he told me there was no drama with ex and mother of his 4 year old daughter. That he loved working for his family construction business making in the three digits, he loved children, he was driven, motivated, loved to travel, and even volunteered with autistic children. It sounded like the ideal man just short of perfection. What he revealed to me was that he was afraid to open up and commit because he never really got over what his ex “K” did to him four years ago. However I believe he was partly to blame since he cheated on her while they were fighting. The more I got to know Jay it was like that beautiful picture he painted for me was becoming some abstract piece of art that I had to figure what it even a picture of. Jay talks about his ex everyday how much he loathes her, although this may be because she refuses to ever take him. Jay admitted this summer, before meeting me, that he took her to a baseball game in hopes to reconnect with her. I am one of those people that truly believe there is a fine line between love and hate. Jay loves K why else would he always be so interested in what she is doing, he is a regular follower of her instagram and likes many of her pictures. While we were in California a month ago he told me every day several times a day what K was doing because she traveled out of the country while we had his daughter. We won’t mention that when I say something he doesn’t like he tells me I remind him of K. A week before Christmas we went to his daughter’s dance recital. Before we left I made it clear to Jay that he was to introduce me to his ex K, while Jay sat in his lazy boy drinking scotch on the rocks. He asked me if I looked good and I told him that of course he looked good, although it looked like his pant’s button was about to pop open from the recent weight gain of about 50 pounds. Jay’s responded

“good I want to look good for K’s family”

That was a huge slap in the face. After the recital Jay ran up to K leaving me his mother and grandmother and never introduced me. I introduced myself to K and provided reassurance that I adored Mia their daughter and treat her like I do my own children. During that time in the lobby Jay never showed any affection like he normally does, and all but ignored me. I even took a picture of Jay, K, and Mia together. When we got in the car I showed Jay the picture of the three of them and he responded

“isn’t K pretty”

And just when I couldn’t take anymore he told me later that night when he was totally drunk that loved K and always would. Needless to say I didn’t talk to him for a few days after that. And although Jay still pays child support he still gives K money hand over foot and I’m bewildered how he could be so stupid to be manipulated by that women other than he must still really love her. Although he swears he was just drunk when he said he loved her. His beautiful dance with words is slowly dissipating to what resembles a mosh pit.

When we first met we went on many day and week end trips Jay’s world revolved around me and now I find myself being fed the scraps of his time and affections. For New Years he had nothing planned and we spent 5 hours at the black jack table our midnight kiss was met with a brief interruption to share a kiss and then his focus went back to gambling with him occasionally chucking a token my way to play a game which totaled out to be two $25 tokens. Every week end lately that I have made the drive from PA to NJ he has promised to do something special and I somehow get sucked into cleaning, when he has a damn made!!! He thinks that if he waves money in my face I will give in and when that doesn’t work (because I do have pride) he manipulated me that he works hard and doesn’t have time and has a injured shoulder. He can tell I’m not happy doing it but doesn’t seem to care. And when his daughter is there I play nanny to his daughter: bathing, brushing her hair and teeth, getting her dressed, and feeding her. I’m really beginning to feel used and like I somehow lost control of the relationship!!! I’m not his mother, maid, or nanny, I thought I was his girlfriend!

Another thing is that for someone who has the world at his fingertips he is always complaining. I told Jay yesterday

“if you aren’t happy with your life how can you expect someone else to happy in your life?”

I want to much to end this relationship with Jay, and he does have a good heart and is very generous with his money but I have too much respect to be bought. I have eluded to ending things with him. My dilemma is this: On Friday we leave for Bahamas he already paid for it. So I’m going to go and enjoy my time there. Two days after he returns he’s getting surgery for his shoulder and I would love to break the ties for good but then I would feel like crap because he needs me. Jay went so far as to tell me that he thinks the reason I want to break up with him is because of his impending surgery. I guess he missed everything I said before I told him I was done with the relationship. So here I am an unwilling participant to this dance that only leaves me confused and breathless, wondering when, if and how I should make my own elegant solo dance? Or is it better to stay and just make up my own rules and steps as i go along hoping he will follow me?

heart broken

I wish there was not moment of the day that I wasn’t consumed by you. Today I stopped texting you because I know your ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’ texts were done either out of habit, politeness, or to save my feelings. Because when I would text you about my day or proclaiming how much I loved and missed your touch you often did not respond at all, or if you did it would take hours for a response claiming you were too busy to respond.  I once received text from you containing:  “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you…almost feels like I’m going to wake up soon from this dream”

“Good Morning Angel. Hope you slept well. Even though its raining outside, just thinking about really brightens my day! Have an amazing day!!!”

Three months later and it’s a: “Good morning have a nice day”.  I have retraced my steps over and over again wondering what I have done wrong or what was so bad to make you grow so cold and distant other then love you too much.  Ideally you were everything I wanted in a man I was not won over by your looks but your kindness, gentleness, and that you placed me on a pedestal.  However, I should have listened to you awhile ago when you told me I was out of you league or that you could not reciprocate the amount of love I showed you, even though you tried correcting yourself meaning that it was only because you were going through a divorce at the time.  The truth was you were emotionally shut down and you had no room in your heart or life for me and my children.  When I opened up to you and told you my concern that there wasn’t a vacancy in your heart for me, you cried and begged for the chance to work on it.  So I hesitantly gave you a second chance which turned into many chances as I slowly saw you turn your back away from me and slip away from my arms, children, family, and home.  The flowers you hand delivered stopped, the notes you randomly left around the house and on my car stopped, your visits to the house ceased, the dates we made.. canceled. Only when I guilted you into seeing me, at least one day on the week end it was usually emerged with your neighbors, and/or son, never any alone time, I always had to share you. We rarely even slept together because your 9 year old shared your bed. Until one day I had enough of and figured if we were friends there would be no expectations and I could no longer be disappointed or heartbroken and you agreed. But still you held onto me if only by your breath it was enough to give me hope.

I know I should have let you go, but I thought if someone like me could prove to you that were deserving of my love then maybe just maybe my Charlie would return to me. 

So even though we decided to be friends I did something I NEVER did to any other man, I followed you, and fought for you, and I loved you without conditions.  My home stood empty while I came to fill your home with laughter and played with you and your son, while my children waited for their mother to return, entertained your friends while my friends hoped that this would be the week I actually we went out with them.  I sacrificed all that I was, so that you could feel complete. 

I opened my heart to you when you shut down, and for brief moments I saw your heart and you knew that you never dealt with you past hurts and so you carried a heavy burden, never talking about them or sharing them with anyone, my heart ached with yours, but you once again swallowed your pain and told me that is just the way you are and to except it.  Charlie I did not want you to hide behind the mask of perfection for me.  I know you are broken, as am I, just as every other person that walks this earth is broken and misshapen that’s what made you so beautiful and mysterious to me.

I loved you, and gave to you even when you gave nothing to me in return, and the simplistic gestures of a kiss was contrite, and making love however passionate felt empty because I you became a stranger to me. I wonder did my love mean anything to you or was it just moments of pleasures that helped you lose track or your pain?  Perhaps out of kindness couldn’t let me completely go out of fear of hurting me or maybe it was fear of knowing that know another could love me better, or maybe it was something much more vain and you knew that you were my one weakness and that I could not say “no” to you so despite what label we had you knew I was always yours.  For whatever the reason for hanging onto me and selfishly allowing me love you fearlessly and unconditionally, until my well ran completely dry; it has done more damage than I when I was a victim of domestic abuse. I guess because this time I was a willing participant rather then a victim.  What a fool I have been! Like a famous quote says: ‘the toughest part of letting go is realizing they already did”

  Now

I am the one wondering if I will awake from this dream. I feel like I am in a haze every where I look I am consumed by a memory of you.  I go from hating and resenting you to loving and missing you.  I pick up my phone frequently and check my spam box wondering do you even notice of my absence today, do you care, should I make myself know, should I give you more time to miss me, what would I you if you actually did text me?  I feel like a lost child.

The truth is I can not bring back the amazing first month we dated and I would not have changed how I treated you because you had my best, consistently.  Did I have your best? Was the first  month we dated, the flowers, the gifts, the sweet letters, the promises, the texts, the way you proudly led me into a room my small of my back, your sweet kisses on the corner of my lips, the way your played with my hair when I laid in your lap, was it all a mirage to mask what I now know about you?  Truth is I don’t think you would or will ever fight for me the way I have fought for you, and I am worth fighting for!  Truth is by losing you, what have I really lost anyway, other then time? And a few months is only hiccup in the grand scheme of life, our memories will fade and so will my love for you.