Perfectly unaligned dance of relationships

Why is that relationships begin to fizzle out after a period of time? Perhaps it’s because the beautiful dance between words and absorbing them turns into observations to see if the words to the steps correlate to the actual dance. For instance if a couple was being taught how to ballroom dance and your guy says
Ok, I’m going to move three steps to the left so follow my lead”
But then you see that he takes three steps to the right and now you are further away and in two different directions and confused because what he said and what he did are two very different things.
W
It was weeks on the phone before I finally agreed to meeting him and the months that followed were amazing. I hung onto the words he said to me as truth until proven otherwise, but when it came time to demonstrate those truths I found out that his words and actions were very different. Now I am mad I wasted 7 months of my life hanging onto hope and half truths. When I first me Jay he told me there was no drama with ex and mother of his 4 year old daughter. That he loved working for his family construction business making in the three digits, he loved children, he was driven, motivated, loved to travel, and even volunteered with autistic children. It sounded like the ideal man just short of perfection. What he revealed to me was that he was afraid to open up and commit because he never really got over what his ex “K” did to him four years ago. However I believe he was partly to blame since he cheated on her while they were fighting. The more I got to know Jay it was like that beautiful picture he painted for me was becoming some abstract piece of art that I had to figure what it even a picture of. Jay talks about his ex everyday how much he loathes her, although this may be because she refuses to ever take him. Jay admitted this summer, before meeting me, that he took her to a baseball game in hopes to reconnect with her. I am one of those people that truly believe there is a fine line between love and hate. Jay loves K why else would he always be so interested in what she is doing, he is a regular follower of her instagram and likes many of her pictures. While we were in California a month ago he told me every day several times a day what K was doing because she traveled out of the country while we had his daughter. We won’t mention that when I say something he doesn’t like he tells me I remind him of K. A week before Christmas we went to his daughter’s dance recital. Before we left I made it clear to Jay that he was to introduce me to his ex K, while Jay sat in his lazy boy drinking scotch on the rocks. He asked me if I looked good and I told him that of course he looked good, although it looked like his pant’s button was about to pop open from the recent weight gain of about 50 pounds. Jay’s responded

“good I want to look good for K’s family”

That was a huge slap in the face. After the recital Jay ran up to K leaving me his mother and grandmother and never introduced me. I introduced myself to K and provided reassurance that I adored Mia their daughter and treat her like I do my own children. During that time in the lobby Jay never showed any affection like he normally does, and all but ignored me. I even took a picture of Jay, K, and Mia together. When we got in the car I showed Jay the picture of the three of them and he responded

“isn’t K pretty”

And just when I couldn’t take anymore he told me later that night when he was totally drunk that loved K and always would. Needless to say I didn’t talk to him for a few days after that. And although Jay still pays child support he still gives K money hand over foot and I’m bewildered how he could be so stupid to be manipulated by that women other than he must still really love her. Although he swears he was just drunk when he said he loved her. His beautiful dance with words is slowly dissipating to what resembles a mosh pit.

When we first met we went on many day and week end trips Jay’s world revolved around me and now I find myself being fed the scraps of his time and affections. For New Years he had nothing planned and we spent 5 hours at the black jack table our midnight kiss was met with a brief interruption to share a kiss and then his focus went back to gambling with him occasionally chucking a token my way to play a game which totaled out to be two $25 tokens. Every week end lately that I have made the drive from PA to NJ he has promised to do something special and I somehow get sucked into cleaning, when he has a damn made!!! He thinks that if he waves money in my face I will give in and when that doesn’t work (because I do have pride) he manipulated me that he works hard and doesn’t have time and has a injured shoulder. He can tell I’m not happy doing it but doesn’t seem to care. And when his daughter is there I play nanny to his daughter: bathing, brushing her hair and teeth, getting her dressed, and feeding her. I’m really beginning to feel used and like I somehow lost control of the relationship!!! I’m not his mother, maid, or nanny, I thought I was his girlfriend!

Another thing is that for someone who has the world at his fingertips he is always complaining. I told Jay yesterday

“if you aren’t happy with your life how can you expect someone else to happy in your life?”

I want to much to end this relationship with Jay, and he does have a good heart and is very generous with his money but I have too much respect to be bought. I have eluded to ending things with him. My dilemma is this: On Friday we leave for Bahamas he already paid for it. So I’m going to go and enjoy my time there. Two days after he returns he’s getting surgery for his shoulder and I would love to break the ties for good but then I would feel like crap because he needs me. Jay went so far as to tell me that he thinks the reason I want to break up with him is because of his impending surgery. I guess he missed everything I said before I told him I was done with the relationship. So here I am an unwilling participant to this dance that only leaves me confused and breathless, wondering when, if and how I should make my own elegant solo dance? Or is it better to stay and just make up my own rules and steps as i go along hoping he will follow me?

The player and why women are attracted to them!!

So I recently dated a player and as much as I wanted to run from him I was drawn to him.  Kevin was an officer tall dark and handsome with that all American boyish smile.  His looks, charisma and charm was intoxicating.  Most players talk of once having a deep love for that one women who has hurt them beyond repair.  These scorn players stereo type all women and objectify women.  Whatever their beliefs about women, the smart ones usually keep their opinions to themselves. When you meet a player they come off as coy, ambitious, a lover of life, they may even convince you that they are a reformed player.  They spare no expense when they invite you out on the town and it’s easy to be lured into their trap as they slowly feed off their bate.  They tell you how beautiful, special, and amazing you are, they even might tell you they share the same beliefs and values as you. 

Once he knows he has you bated you start seeing suddle signs like his cell phone has taken up residence so much so that you begin to think it’s an appendage.  The player that once gave you his undivided attention is now fixated on his phone in the movie theaters, at dinner, cuddle up with you at home.   However if you say something, you are being over baring and a control freak so you look the other way and make excuses for his behavior.  Then he begins showing you pictures of his beautiful ex girlfriends and “friends”, and make comments about other women to create an undertone of jealousy and arise your competitive nature.  And at times, as much as you want to run for the nearest exit he will do just enough to keep you hooked, perhaps buy you gifts, send endearing texts, tell you to keep a overnight back packed for those “just in case” times.  He will get you excited that he is finally introducing you to his friends, but then when you are out in public with them he shows no affections and introduces you as his “friend”.  But as soon they leave his affections return and he is begging you to stay the night.  You waver whether to stay the night and knowing you are upset so he calms your fears reminding you just how special you are to him and offers you his clothes to sleep in, he talks for hours while you lay sheltered under his arm and you feel so close to him meanwhile in the back of your head you’re wondering why is always YOU who is always doing the listening.  Of course nothing tops off the evening like passionate sex with him because that’s the way it always is; very passionate and absolutely amazing and allows you to believe for a brief moment that it’s all about you. But after having sex he no longer is interested in laying anywhere close to you and the lines are drawn down the middle of the bed.  Kevin actually got out of bed and went to sleep in his lazy boy excusing himself saying it didn’t seem like I was sleeping well so he was going to giving me the bed.  It was at that point I knew the game was up and I lost, big time!  I couldn’t sleep, I laid in bed replaying the events and wishing I could have held back and not given myself so easy which was so unlike me. Confused as to why did he beg me to stay but then refused to sleep next me.  I left early in the morning and told him he could have his bed back he asked
“are you sure you can’t stay” and then offered to walk me out, which I declined.   I couldn’t stay even if I wanted to I was headed to church and then celebrating my birthday with my parents, I didn’t tell him why I couldn’t stay I doubt that would have even mattered.  I kissed him on the cheek, folded the clothes he lent me to wear on the bed and then left.  I texted him later that morning (I don’t know why, other than to stir a response) thanking for an amazing night of showing me around his home town, and meeting his friends at the casino.  There was no response back from him all and it’s now 9 pm, he didn’t work today so I know what that means, he had his fill of me, and he is on to the next conquest.   

Players like Kevin likes to look at women and see her boundaries (rules she has in place to protect herself) and see how much he can manipulate, beg, and plead until he gets what he wants you, the prize. 
But truth is the reason why I and women like me are attracted to players is because we have that commonality we both (the player and the women) want to conquer the other but for two very different reasons.  The players want to say “yeah I had that” as he sees her as nothing but a mere object to exert his childlike whims, feed his ego, sustain sexual impulses, and maybe seek winners roll for the love he once lost.  While women like us are on a quest to conquer the player, believing we are strong enough to provide something so distinguished from all the ladies that followed in our footsteps that maybe just maybe we naively believe that we could change him and make him want to settle and have a more meaningful relationship with substance.  Unfortunately I was not strong enough to guard my barriers, and I let him in even when I knew I was playing his game I guess I was hoping that I would be the exception to want to give it up, but I was wrong. one point for the player -1 for me!